Some days it's easy, some days it isn't

Some days are harder than others. That is just a fact in life. I find it interesting how when things seem to be going well, when things are interesting, when a job inspires you or a project completes itself because you have so much passion for it, it is easy to show up and to do the work. Hell, on those days, it doesn't even feel like work. Today I am here to talk about the days where it does.


This blog you are reading right now is a perfect example. To let you in on the workings behind the scenes, I have a giant list of blog ideas. Do I always look at them? No, of course not, but it's there. Anyways, this blog idea, "Why I Keep Showing Up" has been at the top of the list for a long time. I was supposed to take action on it a while ago, like almost two months ago, but I just haven't. Now the fact that I haven't written yet is a mix of giving myself excuses why I should wait to write it, just being too lazy to write the damn thing, or just plain forgetting to write. Lately, it's been an energy issue as I am either out of energy by the time I get around to it, or I invest my energy in the wrong things. Well, I am going to choose to invest the energy into this blog, something I should have done a while ago.

Low-light concert performance with dramatic spotlight illuminating a solo performer on a dark stage.

Showing Up

Before I get into why I "keep showing up", let's get into what that means to me specifically.


To me, the phrase "showing up" has evolved. Before, I would have high expectations of myself, not give myself any slack or grace, and just beat myself down when I would inevitably fail. This method of "showing up" doesn't help anyone. It gives you a false sense of control when you actually get your stuff done, but that is shortly lived as that was an expectation, rather than a celebration of creating something.


A lot of my mentors growing up, even to this day, say I am too hard on myself. I see the mistakes first, try to find ways I wasn't good enough, and in my head I am doing this to be better, but all that negative self talk sticks around man. It hangs out like a fog, making an inner doubt grow larger and larger where I feel incompetent to complete any task. I needed to be nicer to myself, to celebrate my wins rather than acting like they are expected of me just because I am ME.

Two players engaged in a tennis match on an outdoor court, captured in black and white.

So what does "showing up" mean to me now? It has been a hard journey, and I believe I will always remain on this journey, but I am having more grace with myself. Today, as I can only speak for today, "showing up" means doing what you can when you can. To give all that you can, and in an honest fashion where you don't hold anything back, but to give everything and look back on it with pride. To see it as progress rather than something to get done. With a lot of my creative projects that mean a good deal to me, I have gotten rid of the notion that they will ever be completed. For example, taking photos every day has been shaping my life in ways I could not have predicted. Now I am taking short videos while taking my daily photos sometimes, where the goal is as simple as capturing what I am experiencing in that moment.


To me, today, "showing up" means giving what you can give in that moment. Some days it will be easy. The opportunities to take photos will just fall in your lap, the invites for outings come in, you get reached out to for a gig, it feels like everything is right in the world. Other days it feels like pulling teeth. You forget to do your daily photos until the last minute that night because of how tired you are, you haven't booked a gig in over a month, and it feels like no one wants to hang out. The thing I have learned as I grow older is that we can't appreciate the really good days until we find a way to survive and appreciate the bad days. To get rid of the idea that you deserve any kind of day because of who you are. To realize that you are responsible for how you REFLECT on the day, no matter what life throws at you. Showing up depends on the day, as long as you do it honestly and with your full being.

A camera LCD screen displays a motion-blurred performance shot with dynamic circular lighting effects.

Why

So why do I keep doing it? Like I mentioned above, it gets hard. Hell, sometimes it feels like I have more harder days than good ones lately. But I would be lying if I told you I am not enjoying it. Sure, I forget to do my photos until late sometimes, but every day has a post to go with it. Sure, I could be more consistent in writing blogs, but I am sitting down writing this one right now, embracing the joy I feel while writing. There are so many "expectations" I am not meeting, but I am finally piecing together that I am the author of those expectations. In doing so, I am figuring out what I actually enjoy doing and I am trying to do more of those things.


I show up because THIS is how I not only want to live my life, but how I want to document my existence as well. I show up because if I don't show up, I can't expect someone else to show up for me. I show up because I believe what I am doing is actually making a difference. It may not change the world, but it is changing how I see the world, which is helping me help others. Lastly, I show up because I have the privilege to show up. I will not sit to the side and wish my life were better than it is if I have the ability to change it. That is why I show up.